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frameandcanvass

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here ya be... [May. 20th, 2004|02:39 pm]
frameandcanvass

frameandcanvass

[burninglotus]

Name:David Micheal Alder
Age:24
Sex:(yes please) Male
Hobbies/interests:Music, writing, LJ, Movies, and various other commonly mentioned things that are mere superficialities at this point. See my User Info page, if you really wanna know.

A) 5-10 top favorite bands with a brief description:

311 - By far one of the most inventive bands of our day, successfully intermingling such musical genres as rap, reggae, hip hop, funk, and latin.

Santana - Classic latin/blues group that has influenced much of our modern groups. Carlos Santana is arguably one of the greatest lead and blues guitarists of any age.

Pink Floyd - The GODS of progressive rock. No one could ever match their musical creativity and emotionally charged lyrics/riffs without either getting entirely fucked up on H, or worse; losing their sanity in the process. Pure musical genius.

Early Elton John, (before he went all "adult contemporary" on us) - One of the most versatile performers both vocally and instrumentally.

Soundgarden/Chris Cornell - Not only were they one of the most influential bands of our day, but they were also geniuses off stage. While being Ivy League graduates with degrees in subjects like Microbiology, they were never the 'conformist' types, either in their music, or in life. Chris cornell has one of the most soulful voices ever. Plain and simple.

David Bowie - Strange is his calling card, and inventive is his MO. With a voice that sounds like he could use some lozenges from the harsh mistreating of his vocal range and abilities, pushing them beyond their physical limits, he managed for over 20 years to be one of the most sought after Gods of Rock. Without a classification to his style, he has been an artist without boundaries.

L) top 5 albums of all time: this is moot, because any of the above bands' albums would fall into this category for me, hands down.

B) 5 favorite books/authors including at least one nonfiction selection:

Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien

Man's Search For Meaning, Viktor Frankl

The Plague, Albert Camus

Tao Te Ching, Lao Tzu

Zen Teachings of the Great Mountain, Taizan Maezumi Roshi

Tao of Pooh, (I forgot his name... been years Ben something).

The Andromeda Strain, Michael Crichton

C) 5 favorite films/directors/writers:

D) Any favorite comedians?
Drew Carey
Emo Philips
Bill Cosby (old stuff)
Ellen Degeneres

E) Favorite Artists? Why? What medium do they work in?
My Father: he's a great singer, and also a great photographer.
Ian Mckellen: one of the most passionate actors that has gone TOO FAR unnoticed for his contributions, prior to LOTR, to stage/film acting .
My best friend Matt: Vocalist and keyboards for the local band Sigma 6.

F) 5 great things that have come out of TEXAS: "Steers and queers..." no, um... Texans for one, beef, oil... um, I'm really unfamiliar with Texas. Forgive me on this one. I do know that there's a certain guy there that I happen to like. Is that enough?

******
Question Forum: Try to answer at least 5 of the following with explanations as to why you have chosen that viewpoint... Convince me.

1) Abortion: pro-choice or pro-life? (legally and personally)
*It should only be allowed under the circumstances of rape, incest, or possible life-threatening situations of mother vs baby. Needless killing of any kind is evil, because any other situation basically is an expression of the selfishness and cruelty of those who just "don't want the baby". Adoption is available to willing and waiting parents who couldn't have children any other way.

2) Gay marriages:
*The basis of making Gay marriages illegal is based upon Judeo-Christian dogmas, and shouldn't be forced upon those who do not believe in such doctrines, on any level. To do so is counter to the Constitution, and the God-given rights of every human being on this Earth.
Let them marry.

5) War in general:
*When global community standards, or ground rules are broken (human rights, etc), and the guilty refuse to rectify their misdoings, nor even get accountable for what they create (ie; mass slaughter, totalitarian regimes, and so on), then someone should take a stand for the innocent who are being trounced upon, and defend them by ANY MEANS NECESSARY. But coming to the point of using such measures (war) should also be avoided at all costs, if it is possible.

7) The Lakers:(Specifically Shaq or Kobe) What about the Yankees?(specifically A-rod or Jeter)
*Professional sports are the single greatest whoring-out of our free time that we could possibly conceive, because, why on EARTH would we want to PAY these whiny primadonnas millions of dollars to do something so inane as basketball?

9) If you HAD to fuck an animal, what animal would you choose?
*Definitely a dog: a female Great Dane, but don't read too much into that.

11) Drugs? Legitimacy of legalities, penalties, dangers, etc. go to town with it.
Making drugs into a legal business is a subject that I've discussed before, and I tend to agree with certain points, however, I think I've more than fulfilled your requirements to this point, and I would like to save such a discussion for a later date.

Oh, and I almost forgot... I told my sister here:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/dj_tank_girl/6709.html?view=7733#t7733

Here are my pictures:



linkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: grodeetoe
2004-06-07 03:17 pm (UTC)
so your dad has had leanings towards males as well. wow.....but he supressed it all?

it's good that you guys can all be very open with each other. it's just a different world to me where religion governs things like that. i couldn't possibly begin to understand it, so i guess i just have to respect it and go with that.

i don't think anything really "causes" homosexuality either. i do think that it's a mix of psychological and environmental factors though. not really one or the other and some people or more predisposed to being so. or so being because they are born as such.

see?

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[User Picture]From: burninglotus
2004-06-07 06:16 pm (UTC)
yup... "I see," said the blind man to his deaf dog, as his mute parrot screamed, "look out for the stairs!"

but my father didn't always repress it. that's exactly what got him in trouble with the church so many years ago. however, he's done counseling, and group therapy, and many things, and overall I believe that his success in this has been mainly due to the support of my mom.

and I completely agree that it is a mixture of both spiritual, psychological, physiological, emotional and other such factors that will bring out latent tendencies.
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[User Picture]From: grodeetoe
2004-06-08 10:59 am (UTC)
i think it's weird (not weird in a serial killer way. weird in a "oh, huh. well, i'll be" way)that your dad was gay(-ish) and is not gay(-ish) anymore. can you counsel that out of someone?

well, i guess it's like i said before about the whole you can be a different kind of fulfilled and happy with someone and kids and all that traditional stuff. so yeah.
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[User Picture]From: burninglotus
2004-06-08 08:27 pm (UTC)
The tendencies or the temptations will never leave... they're for life. However, my father has remained committed to the ideals that are most important to him, so it makes the decision easy(er) when the inclings come.

The counseling was for a greater understanding of who he is, and what he's capable of doing/being if he's committed to it.
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[User Picture]From: grodeetoe
2004-06-09 10:53 am (UTC)
i think it's cool that your dad is happy and that he's done well and everything.

i'm just uncomfortable with the idea of homosexuality being a choice.
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[User Picture]From: burninglotus
2004-06-09 07:44 pm (UTC)
we have the ability to choose our responses. we're not machines. read "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl, and you'll understand more of what I mean.
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[User Picture]From: grodeetoe
2004-06-10 11:14 am (UTC)
well we can choose to act on things or not to. but we can't choose who we are. we shouldn't have to. i shouldn't be made to feel guilty for who i am or how i feel.
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[User Picture]From: burninglotus
2004-06-10 10:10 pm (UTC)
This is where I get to quote Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." Basically, it's entirely up to us to choose our own experience in this life. No matter how deep-seated some of our psychological or physiological processes are, we do have a choice. If it were not so, we'd be nothing more than lowly animals. I tend to believe that we have a greater potential than a life equated with grazing in pastures and mating with random heifers.

And if we can't choose who we are, then who does, and what are we? Nothing more than subjugated puppets to the "powers that be". Quite frankly, that sounds like a prison sentence to me. Maybe it's a bit of pride on my part, but I hold to the belief that we are far more powerful and brilliant than mindless conglomerations of molecules set out to follow a genetically predestined way of being. On whatever degree in the spectrum.
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[User Picture]From: grodeetoe
2004-06-11 11:01 am (UTC)
i'm surprised that for someone in such an involved type religion you don't attribute any of who you are to god. and i guess in a way i do. among other things.

all i'm saying is. we are who we are. you can't fight it. you CAN choose to ignore it. but you're ignoring it. it doesn't change who you are. it just makes you a liar. well, that's harsh. but if you feel a certain way and you deny yourself that thing. sure, you've made a choice. you've gone against whatever (i am not at all going to attribute any of this to the "powers that be" because they don't want us to be queer as it is), but that's all. you've just chosen to ignore it. it's still there. the choice is not whether it's there or not. it's whether to admit it or not.
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[User Picture]From: burninglotus
2004-06-14 12:05 am (UTC)
Oh I've admitted it. I'm clear about it. In no unclear terms, my penis gets hard whenever I see a naked man, but nothing really happens with a woman. So I'm quite aware of it. There's no denial. But why should I let my libido decide my life for me? I tend to fall in love with women... they have my heart. But men have my attractions. Why? Why is that?

Well, I certainly have attributed it to God. In fact that's partially why I've become so bitter in my relationship with Him, is because I feel that it's all just a cruel joke. A kid with a magnifying glass frying ants. He gives me these desires, which are some of the strongest feelings that any human could experience, and then he tells me, "you can't touch it... don't use it... don't do it." And I've already made promises not to! But if I did, the an eternal punishment would ensue. It must be pretty funny from His point of view.

So what do I do? Continue hating God for this, and then intentionally doing the very thing that he doesn't want me to? A kind of metaphysical rebellion? Well that sounds like the very thing that a certain "Satan" would want me to do, right? Oh sure, I could find other religions to fill the gap, but then there'd always be something missing for me.

Or how about this... continue living life as if everything was normal, never tell my girlfriend, marry her, have kids, and then during a moment of extreme weakness due to whatever mid-life crisis is going on in my life, give in and commit an act that is counter to everything that I've stood for, betraying the trust of my wife and whomever is a part of my life.

Or what about this... I experiment. I slowly let it slip into my life, and then in a teary, doe-eyed look I can say to God, "I didn't mean to..." Think He'd buy it?

Or as you say, I could ignore it. I block it out of my consciousness completely and just keep living my life out until I either snap and go into a barrage of promiscuous behavior, or by some miracle I actually get through the entirety of my life, and die with my secret.

Some take the easy way out... they kill themselves. But that's not an option. A non-issue.

But what about the possibility of being completely open and honest about it? I'd be fully aware of my attractions, and I know how I work in that regard; I'd know what "gets me going" and I would choose to avoid it. But I'd not be in this alone... I'd be most likely married to a woman who'd know fully well about this issue; my weaknesses and strengths, and be supportive along the whole way. She'd even be patient and loving enough to take the time necessary to "make things work" in the bedroom. Now, if my kids ever began to show "signs" at an early age, I would never let it affect the level of love or care that I continue to offer my children. However, I would teach them what I've learned and allow them the space to make their own decisions, and still lovingly support them as my children... come what may.

But you're right... if I didn't admit what was honestly going on for me, I'd be a liar. That's why I've been searching within myself over these past few years; because I've come to know that I don't know what's really going on inside me! I'm on the verge of an enormous breakthrough in my life, and I would be a liar if I was to just jump into straight marriage, or into my first homosexual encounter simply because I happen to have a hardon whenever I see steamy pictures of some nameless, beefy model in a porn shot.
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[User Picture]From: grodeetoe
2004-06-14 11:05 am (UTC)
you are the way you are because you are Andy Warhol. i guess i just can't fully wrap my mind around where you're coming from. not in the least. i've never done the strict religion thing in a strict way. i have this relationship with god. we have this understanding. i don't think he hates me or cares much about ass sex. we have a don't ask don't tell sort of policy. in any case, i don't believe in the after life as being heaven or hell either and i suppose that helps. i also don't really believe in satan really, which helps a helluva lot. maybe that's why it took me so long to realize that i was what i was, whether i was repressing it or not. maybe i just really had to get all of my beliefs aligned before i woke up to anything to keep from being so confused. maybe i did it on purpose in my sleep. i don't know. my attraction to men is not strictly based on their genitalia though. there is just a differentconnection than there is with a woman and i don't think i can be me and be with a woman at the same time anymore. guy-girl relationships make me a little bit of someone else i think. i don't know. this sort of thing is very confusing. in general. and things canbe tough. i suppose. for you especially tough. i'm sure everything will work out alright for you though.
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[User Picture]From: burninglotus
2004-06-15 03:27 am (UTC)
I certainly hope it will. I have every intention of my life working out for me, despite the tough times. I only hope that I'll still have friends.
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[User Picture]From: grodeetoe
2004-06-15 10:42 am (UTC)
well, either way you go you'll find some sort of happiness i'm sure.

for the record, i am not a tool of satan. thank you.

anyway.

that's all.....

hey, are you like not allowed to masturbate?
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[User Picture]From: burninglotus
2004-06-15 07:58 pm (UTC)
"hey, are you like not allowed to masturbate?"

heh... not officially...

I never said that you were a tool of satan... I'm saying that he influences to do what God doesn't want us to.
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[User Picture]From: grodeetoe
2004-06-16 11:00 am (UTC)
so you try really hard not to fiddle with your penis?

even though you consider me a tool of satan, i'm really glad you're not homophobic because a lot of guys in your position would turn that direction instead of in the confusing direction you've chosen.
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[User Picture]From: burninglotus
2004-06-16 06:31 pm (UTC)
I don't try to not fiddle with my fiddlestick... it's almost a nightly ordeal.

Confusing, yes... homophobic, certainly not... lonely and open to both gender options while sorting out this mess, right on.
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[User Picture]From: grodeetoe
2004-06-17 11:05 am (UTC)
better than being a hermit like me?
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[User Picture]From: burninglotus
2004-06-18 02:29 am (UTC)
hermit? whatever... you probably date more than I do, and not just because I'm in China...

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[User Picture]From: grodeetoe
2004-06-18 11:16 am (UTC)
i have not been on a date in over two years. nothing as official as that. nothing at all really in all actuality. i am as single as they come. i got all my virginity way back.

with the way you flirt with everyone, you certainly get a shitload of action (and by action i mean dates)......
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[User Picture]From: burninglotus
2004-06-21 12:21 am (UTC)
hmm, well the internet tends to coax a little more confidence out of me than usual, however, I'm really not that big of a flirt. maybe I am. now I don't know. hmm...
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[User Picture]From: grodeetoe
2004-06-21 11:31 am (UTC)
well, i don't know how youare in person at all. i can only go by what i see with my own little internet eyes, you FLIRT.
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[User Picture]From: burninglotus
2004-06-22 01:07 am (UTC)
*coy giggle*

okay... so you caught me. is it such a bad thing?
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[User Picture]From: grodeetoe
2004-06-11 11:03 am (UTC)
i cannot CHOOSE to be straight. i don't even know how to be with a girl anymore. i know i could fake it if i tried. i could even find happiness in that in some ways, but i would never feel completely fulfilled at all. i wouldn't feel myself at all. and it's not a choice i made. it's where i found myself. i had repressed it for a long time and over the course of about a year i woke up to it. there it was. big as day. i couldn't turn away from it. i couldn't/ can't ignore it. and i can't go back now that i'm here. i wouldn't even know where to begin. for me to choose to go against that would be completely unnatural and who would i be doing it for? ME? how is that helping me?
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[User Picture]From: burninglotus
2004-06-13 11:27 pm (UTC)
Disclaimer: I hope we're maintaining an emotional separatism as we debate this issue...

But my question is, since when does our fulfillment depend upon expressing emotional/sexual feelings with someone of the opposite or even same sex? For that matter, since when does fulfillment come from anything outside of ourselves?

If I'm accurate, I could sum up your entire arguement based on this single idea: "To deny our own impulses, is to deny that which makes us human..." Right? If that's so, then here's the major flaw; we've all had moments in our deepest caverns of depression where we were suicidal... an impulse to off ourselves. Or when intoxicated with a raging anger that won't subside, homicidal thoughts creep in and you barely contain yourself. Or the temptaion to steal something when you really, REALLY want that certain "thing", but you have no money, and no one would see. What is it that stops us from following through?

The most important thing that I've learned in the last few years is a concept that so few truly "get"... I am not what I do! My behavior does not equal David! My abilities do not equal me! That's why choice is called an absolute power.

Now if you've weighed the options... the cost of living one life versus another, carefully annotated in your mind the "expenses" of one choice versus another, and have made your choice based upon what will ultimately be best for you, and you are absolutely clear that you choose the one over the other purely out of what is going to produce the best results for you - perhaps not on the short-term, but you feel it would be for the overall good - then how could you ever feel bad about making such a decision? Only if your decision was tainted by the influence of others, and you weren't clear that it was really YOU deciding... then it would be contrary to who you are. You'd be selling out. But to make a moral decision which includes the following context; if you do "A", then the inevitable consequences shall follow, and you do not wish those consequences to come about, then it's still a valid choice, whether you like the choice having to be made or not.

Here's my summation: In my belief, God has already established a system of ground rules to follow. When I was baptized I had given my word that I would follow them, and if I didn't, then the consequences would follow. But since I also happen to have an attraction towards men, and have a stronger physiological response to sexual stimuli from men, this presents a paradox... a moral dilemma. Do I do what seems "natural" or do I value my honor enough to keep my word no matter what. Either way I'd have an inevitable hole in my life. And if it came down to an eternal ultimatum of sorts; choose to value my word and follow God, or choose to abandon everything that I've stood for for so long, just so I can have a fleeting release of sexual tension with another man, It'd be by far one of the most difficult decisions I'd ever have to make. And doesn't that posision deserve a little support?

I know this is long... and I'm sorry, but I've really hit something here.

What really irks me is when there are members of the gay community who've known fully well about my position, and have refused to support me in making a decision to live a straight lifestyle. They say that I'd be wasting my time and energy and so forth. It goes on and on. Initially they talk about being helpful and supportive to ANY of those who're questioning their sexuality, but if someone comes to nearing or even making the decision that they will remain straight, that person's support vanishes quicker than any metaphor could illustrate. It's that kind of heartless, biased "support" that makes things so hurtful, similar to when straight conservative parents hear their son/daughter is deciding the gay lifestyle, all support ususally seems to vanish the same way. Not always, but far too often.

What I'm saying is, whether or not it seems to be the "natural" way or the "best" way... why can't we just support each other in such a complex and emotionally charged issue, instead of disappearing the moment someone decides to live in a way that is (at least cosmetically) counter to what we believe to be best?
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[User Picture]From: grodeetoe
2004-06-14 11:16 am (UTC)
Now if you've weighed the options... the cost of living one life versus another, carefully annotated in your mind the "expenses" of one choice versus another, and have made your choice based upon what will ultimately be best for you, and you are absolutely clear that you choose the one over the other purely out of what is going to produce the best results for you - perhaps not on the short-term, but you feel it would be for the overall good - then how could you ever feel bad about making such a decision?

i see how that works i suppose. i do. but i believe that thingsjust happen and they all happen for a reason. i don't question things that happen. i don't question feelings. and i don't plan for things like this. i think that you are who you are. you can't choose who you are. you can change certain aspects about yourself. do some fine tuning, but ultimately you are who you are.

also, you are not what you do. that's true. but who you are is going to decide what you do, is it not? the two are related. if you are a thief, then you'll steal. if you're a gay, you'll have sex with another gay. it happens. your actions are a part of you. because who you are is what motivates your actions.

i also don't understand why god would give someone feelings if they weren't meant to be felt. (have you seen saved! yet?) i just don't think god would have done that to me. i would hope not. i'm gonna have to go call him now.

you know, other people's sexuality really is there business and it doesn't matter whose screwing who or what in a friendship whatever thing. i just don't understand how people can choose to be this or that because i believe that people just are what they are. you're particular situation (and that of many others) is different because of a blief system you have in place that i can respect, but not ever fully understand.
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